You Know the Bird’s Name. Do You Know How to Treat People?

Nobody can teach you how to be a better man if you’re only studying things that make you feel smart.

Most men are already continuous learners. They’re chasing the next skill, the next certification, the next promotion. Most of the time, they’re investing that energy in the wrong direction, polishing strengths instead of filling gaps. Getting better at golf, video games, making money, or, in my case, trivia. Not getting better at how to relate to people, how to rebuild trust, how to be a present father or a good husband.

The Turkey Vulture

Lori and I were trying to identify a bird in the sky one day. I said, I think that’s a turkey vulture. She asked why I couldn’t just call it a vulture. I told her I’d looked it up. What frustrated her wasn’t the fact I knew the name, it was that I’d taken the time to learn the name of a bird but never taken the time to learn how to treat people better. That was one of the moments I realized I’d been putting effort into learning the wrong things.

The Missing Vocabulary

Most men have a very limited emotional vocabulary. If you’re limited to five words, fine, angry, tired, stressed, good, it’s really hard to communicate what you’re actually feeling. Learning a broader emotional vocabulary helps you tell your wife something more accurate than I’m fine, something like I’m not really angry, I think I’m feeling shame, or I don’t even know what I’m feeling, but I think it’s overwhelm. You wouldn’t want a doctor who just says eh, you’re not doing great. You’d want someone with better words for the diagnosis. The people around you deserve the same.

Misreading Emotion as Aggression

There’s a flip side. As you recognize your own emotions, you get better at recognizing other people’s. Men tend to misread a lot of emotions as anger or aggression. Sitting in a park once, Lori was reading feeling words aloud, and my facial expressions kept coming across more aggressive than what I actually felt. When you can clarify what someone’s actually feeling instead of reacting to what looks like aggression, you might realize oh, she’s scared, or exhausted, or grieving, instead of taking it personally. Without that skill, you may go straight to defensiveness exactly when she needs you most.

Empathy is not just a soft skill for therapists and pastors. It’s a survival skill for the relationship. It’s how you read a look on your wife’s face, your child’s face, a friend’s face, and respond appropriately instead of going straight to they’re mad at me. Empathy isn’t about agreeing with someone. It’s proving you actually heard them.

What to Actually Study

You may have already identified a different weakness in a self-awareness exercise. Study that instead, whichever one you’ve been avoiding. How do I show up for my wife? How do I make dinner when she’s been asking for years? How do I take care of my kids when they need me, not just generally, but emotionally? That’s what continuous learning is actually for, going back to the weaknesses and building a new response for when those situations come up again.

This Week

Pick the weakness you’ve been avoiding, not the one you’re already good at. Find a book, podcast, or resource on it, and start there.

Next in the Foundation Framework series: mentoring.

Take the free Storm Ready Assessment at StormReadyMen.com. Wives, find support at The Couple Cure.